Why

Because I need to. Because my life depends on finding ways to drag the jumble of emotions in my heart and my mind out, into words, somewhere I can look at them, think about them, and consider them.

This is for my sake. And I’m going to write it in my language. Sometimes, I’m going to throw words at it, hoping something will stick, whether they come from ordinary English, used correctly, or not. Ordinarily, I spend so much time making sure I’m using the words the ways everyone else does. But forget that. I need to have the words right now, whether they communicate my thoughts to anyone else or not.

Shannon died. Asa died. My world died. My god died. My family died. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I was, all of it got turned inside out, regurgitated onto the ground in front of me, mocking anything I ever thought I might have known.

I have to become. I’m not right now, but I have to become. I have to grow through this, and out of this, and into something that’s new and real and alive.

Also because forever. Because the only thing scarier to me than living through this is LIVING. Maybe that’s something I can get ready for, that I can strive toward, instead of something that will make me panic for the rest of my life.

In so many ways, I’m not free. I’m in chains. I’ve made many of them. Others have made them. Some of them are probably imaginary. But I MUST do this. I MUST fight for this. I either become free, become whole, become ALIVE or die in the attempt.

Most of the time I don’t even know what to write, what to think through first, which convoluted notion is most going to need to come out of my fingers. There are so many.

But I need not to filter them. I need to throw whichever one will come out OUT, in whatever form it will take.

I don’t want comments on this for any reason. If people read it, I don’t want to know. I’m going to try to find ways to make sure that’s how that goes.

And you know what? Right now, I need to change the subject.

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